Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Tis the Season to be Jolly and there is no Water in the Inn.

Pete Licho is dreaming of that elusive goal!
Much to talk about this week, mostly crap and some sort of a wedding in the air, a royal wedding even!  But this pails into insignificants when compared with the wedding this weekend, Lil and Hammer will tie the knot or hairy shoulder as it may be!  Many of the Cags will be there to cheer the happy couple on, and from all at, all the best ya goons!
But aside from being jolly for the wedding of the month (even bigger than that other Dingamense wedding also on this weekend) there is more reason to be jolly, its just five weeks to Christmas, and its time to slaughter Christmas the chicken in preparation for the feasts to come.  But the Christmas cheer did not make it down to Birch ave just yet, the friendly staff at Launceston United, refusing to refill FBombs water bottle at half time, The president Mr. Towns stating that the canteen attendant was too busy to refill the empty water bottles of the needy (this despite there was not a customer in sight),” you best go around the back to the barn, there is a tap next to the manger, use that!!!” said Mr President.
What gives and where has the love gone?
Anyway, the Cags had a game of football to get on with, and after some frustration was shown to those involved in the unfortunatness, Fbomb returned to meet his team mates, who were not too impressed with his performance to date in goals.
The pacifier was busy pacifying the masses this week again, so was not available, in came old Cagger from way back, Simmo the ball hog!  And he had a massive impact.
Cags went for a 3-1-2 formation, to try and keep the technical abilities of Double Trigger under tight reign.  Rowtondo was commanding the back line like Rio Ferdinand of England and Man U.  I have not seen this kid play a game like this in all my life, and he was in some form keeping past Tasmanian Soccer greats quiet all game that included names like Ian Dickinson and Justin Dyre.
Despite Rowtondo’s efforts, FBomb bombed them out of the water after he over cooked his touch across goal and straight to the feet of Double Triggers advancing attacker who placed it into the open net to go ahead 1-0
Now the Cags were looking for the luck that has put them ahead in times of need, but it was nowhere to be seen this week, not even a passing bird flying across goal could be found to try and luck a deflection off and into the goal, but the cags shot the ball high in the hope that the heavens could provide the dove of life…….it never arrived, and neither did the Cags first half goal, so it was 1-0 deficit at half time.
Cags came out with a new lease on life in the second half, even though they had to kick into a stiff breeze and a cap full of cags.
After 10 minutes of shooting wide, high and soft, the goal came when Shorty made light work of a lose ball in the box.
Cags had the better of the play, and it seemed possible they would push on for the winner, in the presence of their adoring Christian school student fans, but just as they dreamed of santa passing down the chimney of victory, it all went up in flames as someone lit the fire that pushed double trigger into the lead, a great run for trigger saw Dicko pass to his younger, but not by much striking partner who scored to go 2-1 up.  To make matters worse, Trigger scored a third to put the match beyond doubt and relegate the Cags to the foot (or close to) of the finals group.
There were some masterful plays from JT and Pete Licho during the game, and both nearly scored, what a great day that will be when Pete Licho does actually score, there will be riots of delight in the streets of Launceston.
There is still time for the Cags to win the comp, but they will have to do it without Hammer, who is off to the happy humping grounds for Hemelaars in Hawaii after Saturday, he even shaved the shoulder in preparation.  Good luck Brenton, and look out Lil!
Some points to ponder
Can the Cags bounce back?
Can Pete Licho score a goal? (he even missed the penalty in the practice game after the match)
Will Hammer become a father in around 9 months?
Will the pacifier ever return to the land of the Cags?
Until next week brothers and sisters of the Caghood, good day to you.

On a side note, the Cags lined up against team Rocket for a second time to give the boys a game after their opponents failed to show up.  The results wasn’t too good for team rocket as Cags dominated in all areas, JT scored a couple of goals which was a delight to see, but Pete Licho did miss a penalty.
One must feel for poor old Oliver after he copped a verbal beating from all and sundry on the field, but he is a good sport.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Ladders and New Roster

Click to enlarge (If only it were that easy)
Well, as you are all no doubt aware, the Cags made it into the top group for the second stage of the Launceston 7's Competition.  The Cags now have to finish top of the group to be crowned champions.  Certainly not out of the question if we can continue scoring accidental goals at the rate in which we have been.  Someone is on our side after Wes Seniors efforts last week.

So we finished in second place just one point behind the Unimates, and when we played them, we really should have won, after dominating possession and shots on goal, (even though most went well wide or high of the intended mark)  A basic lack of accidental shots really cost us that week.

So this week we play double trigger at 6:35, after they finished second in their group with just 1 loss.  They are a bunch of old fellows who were very good in their day, and will be hard to beat this week.


Wednesday, November 10, 2010

There’s no Substitute for Crisp Cags. (Literally)

Rowan Dykman.
The cags after being stung by a loss in the wet last week needed a lift, it was going to take something special to get the boys up for another big game. You don't have to look far for inspiration in a week like this especially considering tomorrow is remembrance day. And the boys would need all the fighting spirit they could muster if they were to bulldoze team rocket and claim bragging rights in riverside.

The game started with each team having 6 each on field as both teams waited for late comers to turn up.  It would be half time before the Cags had a substitute.

From the outset it looked as if the Cags would have plenty of opportunities to score if we wanted too, but we had to watch Dave VanDoo’s cherry picking and waiting on the counter attack.  Multiple shots on goal from Hamper, Wes and Shorty either went to keeper or out of bounds.  At times Rowtondo and Pete Licho were under pressure when pushing up too far and the result was a goal to the cherry picker, tipping the ball past Donk.  Rowtondo copped one in the face from Josh VZ from a corner and Caggers went to half time a goal down.

Enter Hammer Hemelaar. Hammer arrived without the scars from the first half letdown and a switch saw Hamper in goals and JT released to spend more time pushing up to give support to the forwards.  Pete and Rowtondo with the help of Wes Snr. meant the that the Cags had the numbers to be able to work the ball out of defence a lot better and create better chances going forward.

An absolutely cracking shot on goal from shorty from long range almost equalized. But the Cags weren't to be denied all game with Rowtondo intercepting a lob and was fouled by Dave Van Doo.  Donk took the free kick from half way and weighted it perfectly sending the ball at head height deep into the box catching the head JT then off the Back Wes’ head and into the goal to equalize the game and give son Wes junior a moment he would never forget.  Cags also excel at scoring goals by accident. 

In between all this Hamper was making some world class saves, Pete was causing problems for the opposition with strong defensive headers and attack on the ball.  JT was getting great space on the wing. A short time later Hammer continued strong goal scoring form putting another one in the net after a neat cross from Donk, and giving talent scouts plenty to think about with great work playing in a relatively tough position on the field.  With a minute to play the cags again grabbed control of the ball in midfield and picked out Hammer again near goal with the keeper beaten he unselfishly passed to Donk who slammed home the sealer and giving Mia a birthday present she will never forget, a week late though it may be, and elevating the cags up into the top 6 division for the finals.

The Cags really did find that fighting spirit that Australia is renowned for and what the country is all about.  It was really a whole team effort with each player putting in a great second half and possibly the best half of soccer for the year. And it took big Cags to suck it and say at half time shit happens and we got on with it.

It should be noted that once the Rocket Salads midfielder Ollie turned up, the game went south for them, so Cags are truly grateful to Ollie for this!

Some points to Ponder.
Can the Cags Match it against the top 6 teams in the world at the moment?
Will Richard ever play a full 20 minute half?
Will Pete Licho ever score a goal?
Will Team rocket end up the lowest of the low?

Monday, November 8, 2010

The Ladder after week 4

As you can see, the CAGS have slipped after the unfortunatenesses to Unimates, but all this will be forgotten on Wednesday night when we defeat "Team Rocket Salad"

Well Members of the Cags, One loss and it has seen us tumble from 1st to 3rd.  To gain access to the elite group of footballers that will be playing in the elite group, the Cags will need to defeat the lowly “Team Rocket (Salad)”  This can be done we believe and with relative ease, but preparation is the key.  Plenty of pre game Fanta, and attitude to crunch and become like the bundle of sticks we are so often referred to as.

No one can beat the Cags when we score more goals than our opposition, in fact, it is very difficult to defeat any team who scores more goal than you, so let us be that team, and defeat the Cag Wanna-Bees once and for all!!!!

May the might of the Cag be with you and make you strong.  We will see you and our supporters at
Birch Avenue
at 5:45 for the game to end all games!!!!

Look our Nathan, Josh, Kirren and others whom we are not familiar, as we are coming for you, the likes of the “Pacifier” will keep you quiet, Pete Licho is always lurking to lay a late slide tackle, Rowtondo should be revered, respected and remorsed, as he will pop up when least expected.  Wes Snr. Loves to crunch, as does Hammer, and he has some pay back to lay out for the sake of his inner ear.  Hamper can score a goal from any height, Shorty will tear you a new pair of panty hoes, Jumbo Tits is a menace and stops for no one and F Bomb, well he is an unknown quantity that should be unexpected rather than expected!

Be afraid, be very afraid, by the way, what is the address for the web site for team rocket salad?

Sunday, November 7, 2010

The Report that wouldn’t Come!

                By Brenton Hemelaar
Ok so its been 2 days since the CAGS "shock loss" to the Uni mates, and i have to admit fans, there is nothing good to report on! We played an absolute shocker! Then while sitting on the toilet contemplating the meaning of life, and such, a real "nugget" of an idea dropped into the lovely blue water of the toilet! A voice inside my head says "Forget about the report brenton, spread the good news instead." I pondered this though for a good 30 seconds before i came to realise just what i had to do!

So here it is boys this weeks report!

In the jungle one day, in a land far away the king was collecting his rent, all the animals came, rich or poor just the same from wherever the message was sent. But the crocodile green with his temper so mean said he wasted his money on games, So the king said “you’ll pay or in the dungeon you’ll stay eating spinach and burnt toast and brains” The croc said "No no! Not that please!" and fell down on his knees, so the kind king forgave him his debt. He sent him away, forgiven that day, and the croc said he'd never forget. But the crocodile green with his temper so mean found a monkey to take for a ride. "Pay me" he said "or I’ll eat you instead and I'll gobble you right up inside". The monkey cried out and his friends gave a shout so the king came a running to see. “He’s learnt nothing today so take him away let the poor little monkey go free” Now our father in heaven, through the son that he's given, forgives us of our sins and our debts. He expects us to not make a fuss, but like Jesus, forgive and forget.

Key to todays report:
King equals Richard the Umpire
Crocodile equals the Uni mates
Monkey equals the CAGS

Moral of the story: When the king (AKA Richard) Umpires a game the CAGs are playing, we are bound to loose! Its been set in stone and written about for many years! Dont ask me why it happens it just does!

Untill next week CAGGERS, over and out!

Lil Laughs out Loud at Lack of Light!

Ohhhhhhhh what a week it has been in football.

A week is a long time, just ask Donk. As the Donks celebrated the birth of another little cagger i wondered will this son of donk be a star in the art of soccer like his father. Now as a seasoned medium watcher and one who possesses similar skills i decided to fetch out my crystal ball and delve into the future to see whether this son of donk will keep the cags team going. it all started well but as things became clearer it appeared rhys infact would show disinterest for soccer and infact take up his dads second love (Rythmic Gymnastics), didn't see that one coming.

So game day came and the cags made one change calling in Nugs for the baby maker (donk). Nugs would line up as keeper with bobo and JT in defence and hamper, hammer, pacifier and shorty in midfield/attack. The cags didn't dissapoint with a fiery start which saw hamper shown yellow for a violent attack on an unassuming josh's bucket player. with wes and pete subbed in the cags soon found their range and a shorty goal warmed the heart of no. 1 ticket holder riss. hammer to pepper steaked the goals several times along with wes, pacifier and jt but the cags could nail it home until a wes lefty delight gave the cags a 2 goal buffer.

the second half saw a change of keeper and nugs released onto the field but the cags were under intense pressure from the opposition but some strong defence from pete wes and bobo ensured opportunities soon came and a 2 in 2 from shorty and a cagalicious hamper special gave the cags a sensational 5 nil win.

Five of the best caggers.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Fantaless Cags kick Rangers youth in the cags

Brenton "The Hammer" Hemelaar copped a few this week.
Oh what a big week its been in football:
Julia Gillard feels the heat from the home insulation plan and war, The paddle pop lion loses its purr, Doomsdayer has premonition Fanta Cags will lose, and I haven’t had a Fanta mini can in ten months!! And just when the Fanta looked to be going flat the cags found a bit of fizz and produced a performance that was sure to warm the hearts of 8 or so loyal dedicated fans who braved the perfect conditions.

The shenanigans started well before kickoff when a loyal Rangers youth fan threatened the life of star player (hammer). But a miracle recovery ensued the Fanta cags would line up as selected and the game began on time thanks to the whistless ref. it was evident early that the Cags would have to setup with a 3, 1, 2 formation with Shorty in goals.  The extra defender proved to be a masterstroke move from the Donk as Pete, Joel and Bobo were under pressure from the pace and good skills of the opposition team.  But despite their missed shots at goal, they caused few headaches for Cags.  

It was soon worked out that their defence were pushing up too far and this allowed the Cags to pick out Hammer and Hamper playing behind the defence which soon resulted in hammers first goal of the 2010 season.  Just as the Cags looked to be the better team, Shorty produced a fine save and came off second best resulting in a broken finger and some cagitus as well.  The Cags were down to 1 sub but were playing like a new team and Hammer again found the net before half time with some great setup support from the pacifier, Wes senior and Hamper. JT also produced a fine shot on goal only to be denied by the goal keeper.  Half time was a chance for Donk to show his butt cheeks and see the photos of Shortys bung finger.

The second half began with where it left off and Pete and JT began too sense a tired Rangers outfit and pushed up to help Wes and Hammer put forward pressure on. The pressure became too much for one player who did not like the Hammers hairy shoulder or the fact that Hammer wasn’t put in hospital from his previous punch and decided to throw one of his own. maybe he wasn’t having fun? anyway the cags were again called a bundle of sticks, and the game continued. Not long later Hamper continued his strong goal scoring form and found the net with a great strike, Donk also got his name on the score sheet with a header of his own that put the Cags 4 nil up and in command. Rowtondo decided to get in on the fun and was well setup with a good pass to get clear and score another goal for the team. (I am being modest.) a late goal to the Rangers gave it a 5 to 1 score line handing the Fanta Cags its first win of the season to give its 70 members a fitting reward for their loyal service.

Some questions hover over the next week.
Can the cags be called a faggot three weeks in a row?
Will Donk bring back the f bomb?
Will Hammer sustain 3 head hits in a day again?

Ring Ramming Romeo’s Ram Cags Ring!

Fbomb reacts to the crowd!
Well the Cags fronted up for their first game since 2009, after they surprised all and finished 4th.

No training meant the lads were looking pretty caged after five minutes, from memory Jumbo Tits Taylor took 3 or 4 breathers in the first half alone.

The Cags had signed Taylor and Josh Armstrong after Simmo Petusma defected to a Ranger team, and boy did we miss him.

No Sam Leof either, who is recovering from knee surgery this year. Injury to Ryan Bosker kept him away also, but the Cags thought they could win anyway, mainly because there was no opposition in sight after 5 minutes.

When the Ring jammers did appear from the mens room all together, it was evident there was some talent amongst them, or at least they thought so!

The Cags conceded after the Rammers first chance saw no defenders in sight and a tap in was easy enough to score with. It seems the Cags have not learnt from last year that defense is the key.

Brenton Hemelaar was showing his new found fitness and conducting bicycle kicks, scissor kicks and fresh air wanna be kicks left right and centre, nearly scoring twice. But alas there was not a goal to be found.

The Ramers had another after a good strike left the FBomb in no chance.

Half time and Jumbo Tits needed a drink and enjoyed water, as no one had brought the Fanta. Davo Booge suggested more shots, like last year as eventually one would go in.

Shorty went to goals and saved the Cags bacon on many a time in the second half, in fact he was probably best on ground in goals. It was only after the ball left the goal area that Cags looked crap, but it is only early, and traditionally Cags mature over time.
Cags did score after the watch Tower Chris deDeuge slammed a ring burner of his own straight into the net.

Cags nearly equalised but the Rammers got a late goal as again the Cags were caught up front and forgetting to defend again.

The highlight was toward the end when a Rammer was celebrating his career highlight, scoring in a social game against the Cags, F Bomb reminded him it was a social comp and there was little cause for celebration, as Cags had thrown the game anyway so we could dominate the lower division pool later in the comp! Following the game, F bomb said he couldn’t shake hands with the rammer until he learnt to have fun in the sun, to which the Ring Rammer by his own admition , called F Bomb a Fagot, this was met with some distaste and some man love was shown before heading to the showers. Cags 1 Ring Ramming Romeo’s 3, but the Cags season going to plan as they seek to qualify for the consolation group later in the year.
Chris "the tower" deDeuge